Wunderlich

I was driven to put pen to paper by some of Britains agony aunts. According to the youngest member of our office team, Alex, who is 20 years old, The advice given out by them is pants. He says most of it is old fashioned, very strange and ignored by everyone.

I couldn't have put it better myself! If he is so young and find the advice irrelevant, how could it be of any real value to older, experienced people? I felt a completely different perspective was required. Personally, I always have a big laugh when I read what some agony aunts dole out by way of advice to the suffering public, which only shows how little they appreciate modern relationships. The prized ones always include talking to your partner when something goes wrong, never starting a new relationship with someone else during a breakdown in your own situation and to try to rekindle/renew the love you had. Monocultural in content, highly subjective and conservative in values and tone, many of them have lost sight of the changes in our society, dispensing the same type of one-kind-fits-all arcane medicine to everyone, regardless of culture, custom, relevance or requirement. I felt another perspective was desperately needed.

To begin with, despite the importance of dialogue in any relationship, which I also advocate at appropriate times, the notion of always talking to your partner in a difficult situation needs examining. While a few women can hold their own in any discussion, without a mediator most people can only talk effectively if the other person is willing to talk too and, even more important, to listen. In relationships that are male dominated (as in Asian ones where even the relatives tend to be on the side of the husbands to save face and protect the marriage), and in unions which have no real equity or mutual respect, women always lose out in the talking stakes. They either lack the courage to broach the subject and articulate how they feel, they lack the capacity or willpower to maintain the dialogue, or they are intimidated in the process for situational, intellectual, cultural or religious reasons.

Unequal Balance

Moreover, no interaction is ever equal. Someone always has more power than the other in the simplest communication, and men hold the power in most relationships. They often do not like to talk in case they hear anything that might challenge or attack their ego or ingrained beliefs. The last thing they would want to hear is something that might jeopardise their feeling of security.

My dearest friend, David, whom I called the love of my life, used to be an example of this. The minute he heard something which rattled him, he said, I am not discussing this further as I cant see where its going, or, Youve said that before, when hes also fond of repeating himself, or Its not relevant, and always said in a patronising tone which is imperiously dismissive and would floor any quivering female. But quivering does not sit well with my personality so I firmly stand my ground until the point is addressed. The key factor here is relevance. Who is to decide what is relevant except the person perceiving, and experiencing, the rejection or the problem?

Men also appear to stop communicating once the partner is in the bag and the relationship settles down. In fact, any dialogue at the following times is usually ineffective:
* When there is extreme stress.
* When someone already benefits from the status quo.
* When he/she wants to reinforce their view by ignoring the obvious.
* When the person is scared of what might happen in the actual resolution. (No one welcomes breaking up, especially where children are involved.)
* When there is genuine fear from one or both parties.

Problems With Alcohol

In these situations constructive face-to-face dialogue is rarely ever possible. Talking, without a mediator, is useful only in the following scenarios:
* When both parties genuinely recognise the value of discussion.
* When each can articulate her/his feelings equally.
* When each can accept some individual responsibility for the situation.
* When there is a genuine desire for some sort of positive outcome.
* When they are willing to make the effort.

Try talking to an alcoholic, sober or inebriated, and see how far it gets! Yet, alcohol dependency is behind the greatest proportion of broken relationships and domestic violence in the United Kingdom.

Secondly, the advice of behaving like a saint and not even looking at another person who is interested in you when your relationship is really in trouble, is just the pits. It is at such moments that your self-esteem and confidence hit rock bottom and you need human reinforcement. Precisely the time when you would give anything to have someone compliment you, tell you what a great person you are and how wonderful you look. As my dear friend, Beverley, says, One cannot kick a dog when its down. Only love and care will restore its energy and verve."

Someone new in your life at that moment might not help the old relationship very much, but they will certainly help you and your focus.

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!" Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Elaine_Sihera

The topic of your book or eBook counts-big time. Which would you buy-The Art of Kissing or The Art of Courtship? The kissing book sold over 60,500 while the other sold only 17,500 copies. Before you choose your topic pay attention to your audience. What do they want and need? What will they be willing to pay for your information?

Try these three powerful tips:

1. Write a book your audience needs or wants. Think of a particular audience's challenge or problem then solve it with your book. People want how-tos and skills. While sex is still a top seller, people want related topics such as successful Online dating, or how to create a life partner relationship Challenges like making money and saving time still attract book buyers. Business books sell well. People need writing, reading, speaking, computing, communication, math, sales, marketing and Internet skills. Non-fiction how to books sell best. When your nonfiction books sell well, you can finance your novel.

2. Survey your market. Brainstorm with and ask for feedback from friends and associates. Let them vote on the best ten topics, titles and subtitles, even chapter titles. Ask them what words convince them to buy the book? If they are lukewarm about your title, ask them to give you one. While some authors get their title instantly and know it's the right one, many of us need help.

When you use the synergy of more brain power, you receive so many more ideas. Don't be attached to your choices. If the title is the number one thing that sells your book, wouldn't you want the right one? Feedback always helps build a better book.

3. Create a winning vision for your book. Know that your book will be published. Specifically name the outcomes you will see, hear and feel. Place this winning vision in color on a card. Put it near your workstation.

Sample: Place today's date including the year at the top of your card. Then state: "Now that my book (title and subtitle) is finished and is a huge seller." I see---thousands buying it from my book-selling site I hear---applause from multiple audiences affirming it I feel---exhilarated, confident and pleased it's such a hit. Most writers write first, then hope someone will buy their treasure. It's always the other way around. People won't buy unless they feel your $20 or more book is worth their hard-earned money, and they won't buy unless they feel they must have your information Suit your preferred audience and sell many more books.

Judy Cullins, 20-year book and Internet Marketing Coach, Author of 10 eBooks including "Write your eBook Fast," and "How to Market your Business on the Internet," she offers free help through her 2 monthly ezines, The Book Coach Says...and Business Tip of the Month at http://www.bookcoaching.com/opt-in.shtml and over 140 free articles. Email her at mailto:Judy@bookcoaching.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Judy_Cullins