Wunderlich

"The check's in the mail". "No, you don't look fat in that". "You don't look that old". These are familiar exaggerations, white lies or what my grandmother called Pinocchio noses.

A building contractor nose how to convince you the remodeling will be done on time. A used car dealer nose how to make an old car look good. A lawyer nose how to make his client look innocent.

When I was an innocent child and the doctor said, "This won't hurt", I was too busy looking at the lollypop to see if his nose got longer. Now I watch the doctor's nose very carefully.

I listen very carefully when charities call to ask for donations. Although the "Do Not Call List" doesn't apply to charitable organizations, I don't feel very charitable if the charities won't send their requests by mail. Pinocchio noses know that would be mail fraud. They also know they would need a nose guard in prison.

Pinocchio noses used to notify you by mail that you'd won large amounts of money. Now they notify you by e-mail. Either way there are strings attached. Either way the notifications are "Gipetto-ized".

Teasers are used on local, television news to keep us from turning the channel. "Alien sighting next" or "Cure for cellulite when we come back". After six or more commercials they come back, but the teaser is carried over to the next segment of the newscast. Do local newscasters have long noses because they tease or because they have the nose for news?

There are a lot of television ads for weight-loss products. Some are for weight-loss drinks. Others are for pills or prepared foods. Maybe the makers of these products really could lose five pounds in one week if they cut off their noses.

When you go to the movies, you sit through fifteen minutes of previews for upcoming movies. Occasionally you see one you like. However, when it's advertised in the newspaper, the flattering quotes are from the" Iowa City Gazette" and "Movie Magazine". Ebert and Roeper's noses stay out of it.

Politicians should have the longest noses of all - especially when they're campaigning - when they're promising whatever you want to hear. I've never seen a politician with a Pinocchio nose, but I've never seen both hands of politicians when they're making promises. They're crossing their fingers. It's as plain as the nose on your face.

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